I’m Back Bitches

Holy shit I’m back! Sorry for the hiatus but I was at the North Pole bare-knuckle boxing polar bears (I was 16-0 with 5 knockouts and 3 kills) and ding-dong ditching Superman’s Fortress of Solitude.

There will be updates posted soon, including why Tumblr sucks ass and an epic tale of my adolescent depravity. Before you navigate away from my sight to a porn site, to most assuredly break your lent promise not to pull your pork, I’d like to leave you with this short story.

I was walking to class on Thursday, and as I was nearing Speakers Circle (a place on campus where any jackass can spout nonsense anytime of day) when I heard something peculiar. I thought my mind was playing tricks, “surely people aren’t shouting ‘vagina’ this time of day.” But people were shouting “vagina.” I picked up my pace assuming that free vaginas were being handed out. It turned out that it was just a bunch of dykes advertising for the Vagina Monologues. So I did what any mature person would do; I started yelling “penis” every time the dykes yelled “vagina.” I thought it was comical, and it made it like a sexy game of Marco Polo. Apparently, others found it in poor taste. I was asked to leave and not to attend the Vagina Monologues.

Happy Holidays, Motherfuckers!

Disclaimer: Very few dick jokes. In fact, very few jokes at all. Also, this article might be offensive to Christians and by might be, I mean will be.

Happy Holidays!

That’s right I said “happy holidays,” not merry Christmas or happy Hanukah or whatever the fuck people say during Kwanzaa. For what ever reason people seem to have problem with chain stores having “happy holidays” banners and schools changing “Christmas break” to winter break. It’s utterly ridiculous.

“Chesterfield you’re just a godless, secular, bleeding heart, sodomite, liberal. That’s why you hate Christmas.” Let me say three things in regard to this statement and variations of it, which are inevitably the first and most dull-witted reaction to come out of idiots’ mouths when this subject comes up. One, I believe in god. Two, once upon a time, I went to church/Sunday school every week. I don’t go anymore because I feel that I can live a good life without antiquated rituals and pomp. Three, I might be a liberal but at least I’m not a close-minded ignoramus.

A few years ago this controversy received national attention when talking ass-hats like Bill O’Reilly and religious nut jobs started saying there was a “war on Christmas.” Around the same time, my high school sociology teacher said he felt like his rights were being taken away. What a bunch of horseshit. I’m sorry, but I’m not going to let a white, heterosexual, middle aged, middle class, Christian, male tell me that his rights are being taken away. In fact, if there were one demographic that should never be able to say that, that demographic would be it. I mean, some high school nerdlinger with acne saying, “happy holidays” instead of “merry Christmas,” on the way out of Best Buy doesn’t qualify as a violation of rights in my book. It’s not like these chains are fooling anyone. Everyone knows this time of year is all about Christmas. There are Christmas songs all over the radio, Christmas movies and Christmas specials are played non-stop on TV and Christmas trees, nativity scenes and Santa Claus are fucking everywhere. So is it really a big deal that a couple of national chains want to try to be all-inclusive and say happy holidays? I don’t think so.

Earlier this month a co-worker, who is also a friend, got upset about this issue. She was upset that there weren’t more religious songs and carols being played in the store. She went on to say that people should suck it up and that people came to this country in the first place to practice Christianity. Well that’s true but they were escaping persecution from other Christians, to be fair. I’m more concerned with this line of reasoning, though. Sure, our country was started and populated with Christians but that was over 200 years ago. Our agricultural system was originally based on slave labor. Does that make it okay now because it was okay 200 years ago? Of course not. The point is countries evolve just like anything else. The cultural dynamic of the country is changing and people are just trying to reflect it. It has nothing to do with taking rights away from Christians.

The problem is Christians think the world revolves around them and their god. If you don’t follow their rules (celebrating Christmas) then you’re living your life wrong. Coincidently, that’s another reason I stopped going to church. Many of the people I went to church with were so intolerant I couldn’t take it. As much as Christians don’t want to admit it, there are other religions and they do celebrate winter holidays too. It’s flat out condescending and offensive to just brush other holidays aside because less people celebrate them. It might have been okay to ignore other religions in the 1950s because there was only one America, white Christian America. However, America is a diverse place and has moved forward socially since then. It’s only fair that other religions are, or at least attempted to be, recognized. In way, assuming that everyone celebrates Christmas and constantly cramming Christmas down people’s throats, negates some of that progress.

People act like there’s some Holiday Gestapo that’ll kill them if they say “merry Christmas.” No one’s saying you can’t say that or celebrate Christmas. If you feel that strongly and someone says “happy holidays,” just say “merry Christmas” and shut your goddamn mouth, and quit pretending you’re so oppressed. You don’t know what real oppression is. On that note, happy holidays motherfuckers!

My New Favorite Movie

I haven’t actually “watched” it yet but there’s no way a movie with Dingus in the title could be bad.

Cats Are Assholes

I like animals in general. Not like those PETA freaks but I like them enough. Well, except for pussy ass animals like flamingos that wouldn’t know a limb-from-limb mauling if it bit them in their collective fruity ass.

Being an animal person I’ve noticed that people can usually be put into two categories: dog people or cat people. I am most definitely the former. That’s not to say that I hate cats. I just think they’re assholes.

Back home I have a dog and three cats and each cat is a dick in his own way. Ozzie stuffs his fucking face so full that hurls all over the carpet on weekly basis, which I have to clean up. Bo is just a pussy in general and will leave the house for a week without a second thought. Inevitably, every time we want to keep him in the house he bolts out the door and I end up getting scratched to hell trying to catch him. Taz, well there’s no other way to put it, he’s just a garden-variety jerk. He picks fights with the other cats and the dog. He eats the others’ food. He won’t shut the hell up until I let him outside and then five minutes later he won’t shut the hell up until I let him back inside. What a bunch of assholes.

The dog might drink toilet water and lick her own ass but at least she cares whether or not I have a pulse. My cats could give a shit. Every time I come back after an extended time away my dog is waiting at the door and starts jumping up and down and barking. It’s clear that she’s missed me. The cats don’t even move. If I’m lucky one might lift his head to see who came in the door. If I died they wouldn’t even care. In fact it would probably be their fault and they still wouldn’t care. I can see it now. Me sitting in the living room playing PS3 and right as I’m about to beat Metal Gear Solid 4 one of the cats knocks the plug out of the socket. I have a heart attack because of the tension of game and the rage from the cat fucking my game up. The paramedics would show up only to trip over the other cats and be knocked unconscious. They would probably wake up just in time to pronounce me dead and watch the cats play with the toe tag on my corpse.

But wait Chesterfield you can’t blame the cats, it’s probably your fault they’re assholes. The environment you raised them in must be the cause of their behavior. Yes, I am in fact an asshole. It’s pretty obvious if you’ve read Hey Suburbia or known me longer than 10 minutes. My brother, “Balls,” is also a dickhead. But I doubt it was entirely our fault. You know how I know that? Because all cats are douche bags no matter whom they belong to or what environment they’re raised in. And it’s not just that cats are assholes they’re lazy assholes.

Have you ever slept 14 hours when you weren’t hung over or sick? Probably not and if you have you suck. Do you know who does sleep 14 hours a day on regular basis? Cats. As if it weren’t enough that they claw me, almost burn the goddamn house down knocking over candles and are generally ornery, they’re also lazy. All they do is eat, lie in the sun and piss people off. If you knew a guy who did that all day long you’d hate him.

But Chesterfield that’s not all cats do, they’re actually quite good hunters. It’s true that occasionally cats do hunt. Every now and again one of my cats might go out for an hour two and then guess what they do? They bring a fucking dead chipmunk or squirrel to the front door. Yeah that’s exactly what I want a dead rodent. If I wanted a dead rat I’d just get into a Taco Bell kitchen. One time Ozzie brought a dead sparrow, or what I thought was a dead sparrow, to the front door. I screamed and swore at him like any good pet owner and then tried to kick the bird off the stoop. The only problem was it was still alive. It flew into the house and then I spent half an hour of my time that I’ll never get back trying to chase a fucking sparrow out of the house. Have you ever done that? Do you know how frustrating it is? So, if the only time they’re active I have clean dead rodents of the stoop and chase birds out of the house, they might as well do nothing.

What I don’t understand is why some people go so batshit over cats. There are magazines and TV shows dedicated to these freaks. And everyone has some crazy cat lady in his or her town that has 50 goddamn cats in a one-bedroom house because no man in his right mind would have children with her. I mean everyone hates the fat lazy kid that sits on his ass and does nothing but eat. It’s the same kid you make do the truffle shuffle and corner in dodge ball. Cats are the fat lazy gym class bitches of the animal world and for some reason people love them just because they have fur and a tail. Fuck that, they’re not getting a pass from me. A fat lazy bitch is a fat lazy bitch human or feline.

Several cats were harmed in the writing of this article.

Americans Embarrassing America

Now I don’t want to get too political with Hey Suburbia, but I couldn’t resist.

What the fuck is wrong with people?

Uppity Bartenders

So tonight I was at my favorite bar in Columbia, The Blue Fugue. The atmosphere is always pretty relaxed and I hardly ever have to deal with “bros” or similar douche bags, although I have to put up with the occasional hippie. A trade I gladly make.

I go to get a beer, this is my third, and a different bartender than the two previous times I was up at the bar takes my order.

I order a PBR, that’s Pabst Blue Ribbon for you lame asses, because I’m cheap and I don’t like to pay $4 for a bottle of mediocre beer. PBR is almost always the cheapest beer at any bar and it’s almost always what I order.

This pole smoker puts my glass of PBR down and says, “two bucks.” I give him two mangled singles from my pocket and as I’m about to leave the bar to sit with my friends he catches my attention.

Looking at me and holding up my two singles while at the register he says, in a very sarcastic tone, “THANKS, thanks a whole lot buddy.”

Apparently, this guy was implying that I should have tipped him and he was less than pleased with my lack of generosity. What a fucking drama queen.

Listen dickhead, you just charged me $2 for a PBR draft. PBR fucking comes in 12 packs for a little over $6. I had three PBRs that night, for $6. I could have bought a case, stayed home, watched Futurama and gotten tanked, instead of almost buzzed.

Two dollars for a PBR is high way robbery. A beer that tastes suspiciously like urine should cost 50 cents or less for a draft.

Do you know what the quote on the bottom of the can says? “This is the original Pabst Blue Ribbon Beer. Nature’s choicest products provide its prized flavor. Only the finest of hops and grains are used. Selected as America’s Best in 1893.”

It won a blue ribbon before the industrial revolution. Congratu-fucking-lations, I won a blue ribbon in the science fair in fifth grade but you don’t hear me bragging. In 1893, the only competition PBR had was horse piss and cholera and dysentery infected water. No wonder it won a blue ribbon. This being the case, that bar tender should not only be content with me not giving him a tip, but he should be happy that I didn’t cock punch him when he suggested that I pay $2 for a glass of watered down goat piss.

Plus, it’s not like he had to do or remember any thing spectacular. I could teach a chimpanzee to pour a beer and take the stick out of that bartender’s ass in less than a month.

Not to mention, the Blue Fugue is a college bar. College students are poor. I don’t have extra cash to throw around so he can fund his meth habit. If he doesn’t like it he can get a real job.

Fuck uppity bartenders.

Kid Rock Sucks

So last fall I was writing music reviews for Mizzou’s student newspaper, The Maneater. No I didn’t make that name up and yes I’m aware it sounds like a gay gentleman’s publication.

As luck would have it, I had the displeasure of reviewing Kid Rock’s “Rock N Roll Jesus,” which is by far one of the most unoriginal and cliched albums I’ve ever listened to.

Admittedly, my review was pretty harsh and probably wouldn’t have run in a respectable newspaper, but this was a student newspaper. I doubt many publications would let you get away with calling anyone a hackneyed self-important dick, whether it’s true or not.

Any way, a few days later I get an e-mail from my editor saying that my review pissed off someone. I can’t say I was surprised, though. Apparently this Kid Rock fan took the time to write an angry e-mail and sent it to the Editor in Chief of The Maneater, who then sent it to the Arts & Entertainment Editor, who in turn sent it to me.

I found out that this guy, Rob, is in some way connected to Kid Rock. He works for either Kid Rock’s management or PR firm, but I don’t recall which. That’s not important. What is important is this ignoramus’ rant and rave.

I’m not exactly sure how Rob came across my review, but my guess is his boner for Kid Rock caused him to scroll through every review on Google. It’s mind boggling that this ass clown would take the time to do this and then write hate mail to some student reporter in Missouri. I couldn’t help but wonder if any other small-time journalists got a similarly incomprehensible diatribe from this jerk off. I hope so, otherwise I was the only one at the time who gave that album a review it deserved.

So, with out further adieu, here is the e-mail (which incidentally looks like it was written by either a child with mild retardation or a moderately intelligent ape) Rob sent to The Maneater:

———–

Who does this [redacted] think he is??? Kid Rock’s album is unoriginal and not
worth buying. Please tell me then who is original nowadays and who’s album
is better today? I can’t name one. Kid Rock is influenced by Southern Rock
and by Bob Seger, who is a Detroit native. The album surly shows his
influences and is perfect. Would you say that about the Rolling Stones back
in the sixties when they covered songs by Chuck Berry or Muddy Waters?
Maybe this [redacted] should go take a listen to Kid Rock’s albums before he made
it big with Devil Without a Cause, in his earlier stuff he did the same
thing that he did on this album, he talked about Hank Williams, Jr., John
Paul Jones and used an Ozzy Osbourne riff..exactly what he did on this album
but with other influences. This [redacted] obviously does not know what or who he
is talking about. He is probably one of them that only likes albums that
are made popular by teenagers such as Britney Spears, Madonna, NSYNC, etc.
I feel sorry for [redacted] that he can’t respect someone that makes*
genuine***music of all genres. Kid Rock was 27 when Devil Without A
Cause broke, he
is around 36 now and I am sure he wants to make and perform music until he
is 60 years old and he doesn’t want to be jumping around the stage at 60,
sreaming.he is maturing and I am sorry that this [redacted] cannot see that
and does not respect that. I have wasted enough time on [redacted], he is
nothing.and nothing compared to Kid Rock and [redacted] never will be!

—————-

Now I’d like to say a few things about Rob’s E-mail.

It seems that Rob is opposed to commas, periods and paragraphs for some reason, which made this a headache to read but let’s see if I can give Rob a taste of his own medicine.

Who am I? A fucking critic, I got paid to review that album.

Seriously? You can’t think of anyone more original than Kid Rock; not one? You can’t think of one artist that didn’t rip of chord progressions, riffs, song titles, vocal inflections or lyrical subject matter? I feel sorry for you if that’s the truth. Who’s album is better and worth buying? Well at the time I believe Radiohead, Kanye West and Bruce Springsteen all came out with new albums.

What would I say about the Stones covering Chuck Berry and Muddy Waters? I would say that’s fine because they were COVERING Chuck Berry and Muddy Waters songs and not taking riffs and chord progressions straight from their songs and calling it an original song.

As for this brilliant run on sentence:
“Maybe this Burk should go take a listen to Kid Rock’s albums before he made
it big with Devil Without a Cause, in his earlier stuff he did the same
thing that he did on this album, he talked about Hank Williams, Jr., John
Paul Jones and used an Ozzy Osbourne riff..exactly what he did on this album
but with other influences”

Thank you for making my point, asshole. Kid Rock’s early and late albums relied on ripping off other artists. Devil Without a Cause was a success because it was more original and didn’t rely so much on other artists’ work. Do you think it was coincidence that it was his best album? Seriously, was that not clear in my review?

This sentence is poorly worded but what I think he’s getting at is I have shitty taste in music (which is not true at all) “He is probably one of them that only likes albums that are made popular by teenagers such as Britney Spears, Madonna, NSYNC, etc.”
“He is probably on of them…” great wording, not. And Madonna? What the fuck are you talking about Rob? No Rob, in fact I don’t like any of those artists. Actually, my top five artists are as follows: The Clash, Jawbreaker, Led Zeppelin, The Smiths and Jimi Hendrix.

Maturing? Did you listen to “Half Your Age?” Yeah that song was real mature. And who says he can’t still be screaming on stage at age 60? Apparently you do but I wasn’t aware that you were now speaking on his behalf. Although, I was aware that you were his personal scrotum shiner.

I’m just going to assume you’re have some sort of learning disability that prohibits comprehension (possibly caused by listening to too much of Kid Rock) because you didn’t make one clear point. In fact, you helped make some of my arguments, so thanks. I guess. Oh and please don’t mention my name in the same line as Kid Rocks’ in any context. That’s insulting. So in conclusion, suck it Rob. Kid Rock sucks and so do you.

A Response to “50 Things Girls Wish Guys Knew”

This post is a response to “50 Things Girls Wish Guys Knew” and similar groups on Facebook. I hate these groups. They over generalize, stereotype and are just generally ignorant.

For some reason people love lists like this and often say things such as “OMG, these are so true! Every guy should read this!” If I had it my way no one would read shit like this but since people insist on it, I’ve written, in most cases, an equally ignorant response to each entry on the list.

1. When we’re watching our favorite show, don’t try to distract us, make fun of the show, or make fun of how much we like the show. We probably know its lame, but we still watch. You have sports; we have our shows.

-No, most of your favorite shows suck. Grey’s Anatomy, Desperate Housewives and America’s Next Top Model all suck. Someone has to say it.

2. We like when you cook for us, it doesn’t have to be anything fancy, just food we aren’t picky it’s the thought that counts. If you absolutely can’t cook at all, get take out and set it up somewhat nicely.

-So hot dogs and potato chips?

3. Go to the gym…those pelvic muscles are insanely hot! The beer belly is not!

-Take your own advice.

4. Don’t compare us to your ex-girlfriends; we aren’t them.

-If you don’t want to hear about them, why do you reserve the right to hate them? (See #30). They shouldn’t matter right?

5. Open doors for us, we like our men to be gentlemen, bring chivalry back!

- I actually agree with this one. Women say chivalry is dead but just for the record, women killed it.

6. Just because we don’t say thank you every time you do something, doesn’t mean we don’t appreciate every little thing you do. The little things usually mean more than anything else.

-We appreciate the little things too. Saying thank you could be put in that category. How hard is it to say two words?

7. Flowers don’t always make up for mistakes, but we love to get them when we least expect it.

-Sex always makes up for mistakes, but we love to get it when we least expect it.

8. We love to take pictures and when we want to take several it’s because we want cute ones of you or us to show off to other people.

-Quit being so vain.

9. When we want a girls’ night out, don’t be mad or think we are going out to look for other guys. We need our girls’ night as much as you guys need your guys’ night.

-Exactly, so don’t get pissed when we want to drink beer and play video games with the guys.

10. You can shoot hoops, score a goal, knock down big fat guys, and hit a little baseball with a stick, so why can’t you aim in the toilet and not on it.

-Quit being so smug. You’re pissing from point blank range, we are not. We’re bound to miss once in a while.

11. Saying something sweet might get you off the hook; doing something sweet will always get you off the hook.

-Usually we’re “on the hook” for no reason, other than you’re in a bad mood.

12. We don’t shave our legs everyday, get over it.

-It’s not the legs we’re worried about.

13. When you kiss us we don’t like to feel like we are making out with a dog so don’t slobber on our face.

-When you give head we don’t like to feel like we’re sticking our dong in the silverware drawer. Lay off the teeth.

14. Don’t ever lie to us; we will always find out.

-We really don’t lie that much. For some reason (jealousy, paranoia, insecurity to name a few) women like to accuse us of lies and schemes that we could never pull of. Stop looking for an excuse to yell at us.

15. Don’t tell us who is hot because we don’t care.

-Ditto.

16. We shouldn’t have to plan everything, we like surprises, a little spontaneity goes a long way!

-Then don’t yell at us when we try to slip it in the back door. We thought you liked surprises.

17. We’re not always girly girls; we can like boy stuff too.

-Like kissing girls?

18. DO NOT act different or be a jerk around your friends. It will get you in the end… (We remember these types of things)

-Who’s acting? That’s what we’re really like, we’re acting around you.

19. Don’t always expect us to call you. The phone works both ways!

-Uhh… usually you’re the ones freaking out about not getting a call every single day.

20. No matter if we’re fat or not, most girls aren’t as self-confident as guys! And we need to be complimented as often as possible!

-Jesus Christ, develop some self-esteem.

21. Being drunk is not an excuse for ANY of your actions.

-PMS is not an excuse for ANY of you actions.

22. Do not brag to your friends…unless you want us to discuss with the girls how small your penis is.

-Do not try to embarrass us in front of our friends…unless you want us to discuss with the guys how hairy your vagina is, how bad you vagina smells, how much you fart, etc…

23. Walks in the rain, kisses on the forehead, and cooking dinner for us will get you everywhere.

-Including getting called a pussy by our friends.

24. If you’re developing such good finger skills playing video games, you better put them to good use sometimes.

-If you’re developing such good oral skills gossiping, you better put them to good use sometimes.

25. Anything you do or say to another girl that you wouldn’t want us to know about is considered cheating.

-Jealous much?

26. If you refuse to dance, expect us to dance with other guys…and lots of them.

-If you refuse to give us a lap dance, expect us to get lap dances from strippers…and lots of them.

27. We don’t always expect you to pay for us, but it doesn’t hurt to at least offer every once in a while

-Yeah, like you pay for anything for the first three months.

28. Foreplay isn’t something we should have to ask for…it’s a prerequisite

-BJs aren’t something we should have to ask for… they’re a prerequisite.

29. No girl just wants to be your “friend with benefits.”

-Are you including skanks? If so, then I beg to differ.

30. We reserve the right to hate all of your ex-girlfriends

-Are you that insecure?

31. Think before you speak…it’ll make a world of difference

-Think before you accuse us of something we probably didn’t do.

32. Don’t screw us over…especially if we have an older brother or protective guy friends…they will hunt you down and kill you

-Your brother and friends are nancy-boys. Bring it.

33. Just because we’re still just “hanging out” doesn’t make it ok to sleep with your ex-girlfriend

-Yes it does.

34. We aren’t asking for you to spill your heart, but some information about what’s going on in that head of yours, is nice every once in a while.

-If you ask us “What are you thinking about?” and we say, “Nothing” we mean it.

35. Don’t complain on how long it takes us to get ready and then moan about how we always used to get dolled up for you and now we don’t anymore.

-Really you don’t have to get “dolled up.” Moderation is key, too much makeup makes you look like a prostitute or a clown or a prostitute that caters to clowns (last joke provided by Scrubs).

36. No backseat drivers, none!

-The only time you should be driving is if we’re hammered, in which case we’ll be too out of it to backseat drive anyway.

37. If you hold our hand while you are driving we will be thoroughly impressed…especially if it’s a stick.

-Until we’re in the hospital because of your lovey-dovey crap.

38. The ability to play the guitar will help your COGL.

-How about bass?

39. Return favors: we massage, you massage; we go down, you go down; we shave, you shave (and not just your face).

-Agreed.

40. Boxers and maybe boxer briefs sometimes . . . NEVER whitey-tighties, NEVER!

-No shit.

41. Sensitive guys are great . . . but crying more than we do in a movie just isn’t right.

-If you know a guy crying more than you he’s gay.

42. Silent treatment, shoulder shrugs, tears, yelling and nasty looks all add up to . . . YOU DID SOMETHING WRONG

-Wouldn’t it just be easier to tell us we did something wrong?

43. Your way is not always the right way. Learn to say- “I was wrong”

-You first.

44. If we can’t talk to you during a football game, then don’t try to get our attention during Grey’s Anatomy

-There should only be two types of guys around during Grey’s Anatomy: guys trying to impress a girl he wants to date or gay guys.

45. We have other friends of the male gender. Just because we have guy friends doesn’t mean we are sleeping with them or think they are attractive,sometimes it’s nice to have a guys perspective on things! So leave your jealousy at the door!

-Yeah, cause we’re the jealous ones. I don’t ever remember one of my guy friends going on facebook and going through every single one of his girlfriend’s pictures to see who she was hanging out with.

46. Remember actions speak louder than words.

-Maybe in the perfect world but if you want to get a point across just tell us.

47. Unless you’re Dale Earnhardt Jr., we’re just as capable to drive as you are.

-I’ve never seen one of my guy friends almost t-bone a car because he was checking his makeup in the mirror or swerve across the center line because he was trying to put an earring in.

48. We don’t mind being DD (designated driver) as long as you’re not the DD (designated drunk) every night of the week, and you occasionally return the favor.

-Why are you still dating a guy who drinks every night of the week?

49. Patience is a virtue; we know what we’re doing.

-While you’re being patient, we’re getting shit done.

50. Despite the fact that most of you will get mad and completely ignore what we’re trying to tell you on this list, we’ll still love you anyways. Probably not as much, but we gotta keep the species going right?

-Yeah so less list making and more sex.

51. Don’t act hard around your friends because I won’t make you hard tonight.

-Like you’re the only one who can. Don’t flatter yourself. May I remind you of internet porn.

52. “Wife Beaters” are not an adequate form of fashion.

-Neither are Uggs, Huge D&G sunglasses or over-sized bags.

53. If we wanted to be on video tape, we’d be a porn star not your girlfriend.

-Can’t you be a little of both?

54. It takes a special kind of stupid to forget birthdays

-Then remind us.

55. Don’t say you love me if you don’t mean it.

-Well I don’t have a smart ass answer for this one. Women-1, Me-63.

56. If you don’t act like soap-opera guys, don’t expect us to dress like Victoria Secret models.

-You want us to act gay? But seriously does anyone still watch soap operas?

57. Just because you L the C doesn’t mean we have to S the D.

-What happened to #39? Typical of women, say one thing and then totally contradict it.

58. We never have to wonder if your orgasm was real.

-We really don’t care if your orgasm was real.

59. Would you like it if a guy treated your sister that way? We didn’t think so.

-”That way?” What way? He bought her a bunch of shit and took her out to dinner?

60. When you see a girl with huge knockers, do not go “Damn!” and then laugh appreciatively to yourself – we can hear you.

-When you see a guy with a six pack, do not go “Damn!” and then giggle to yourself- we can hear you.

61. When the girls get together, we talk about EVERYTHING. Meaning my best friends know everything about you.

-Yeah so do we. So if you’ve got a jungle in your underpants or if it’s like throwing a hot dog down a hall way all of our friends know.

62. Guys in uniform are hot, no lie, sometimes almost better than when you take them off.

-How about a marching band uniform?

63. When we are through, don’t pretend like its okay to call whenever you want and make everything seem fine, especially if you caused the relationship to end. And, don’t tell us about your other girlfriends or girls you met because if your trying to make us jealous, ur a lowlife.

-Yeah, because girls never try to make ex-boyfriends jealous. Get of your fucking high horse.

64. If we say no once, it means no!

-If you have this problem then you’re dating a rapist, or a frat guy.