The 10 Millionth Nice Guy Article On The Internet

The subject of “nice guys” and “nice guys finishing last” has been beaten to death. There are literally hundreds of articles about the subject on the Internet and I’m about to add to that number. I know I’m beating a dead horse, actually by this point it’s probably more like raping a dead horse, but I still feel like I need to voice my thoughts.

Women: The Fairer Sex And By Fairer I Mean Crazier

Are women crazy? Well, does the bear shit in the woods? Of course women are crazy. Women and crazy go together like porn and the Internet. It might not be immediately apparent in all women, but trust me, it’s there somewhere. The crazy usually manifests itself through paranoia, jealousy, insecurity, irrationality and an astounding lack of reason, and nice guys are ground zero for this crazy.

Women make so many rationalizations for dating complete asshats it makes my brain hurt. The most common reason I’ve heard is: “he’s not really like that. I can change him.”

You see nice guys are already nice. They treat pretty much everybody with decency and respect. They don’t really need to change. But this is where women’s logic gets shit-housed drunk, gets lost on the way to the party and ends up face down in a pile of vomit in a strange alley.

If a guy is nice to everyone how are you, as a women, supposed to feel special? How do you know he’s being genuine? How dare he treat everyone with same level of respect? On top of that, there’s no challenge because there’s nothing to change. But a complete A-hole, now that’s a challenge.

Women like nothing more than trying to emasculate men, and there’s no greater achievement than putting your nuts under lock and key. They get off on the idea of someone changing for them. He must love you because he acts different around you. He changed just for you; you tamed the beast with nothing but passionate love. Well, that might be case if you live in a fucking romantic comedy but that’s not how things work in the real world.

It’s more likely that an A-hole just wants to get in your pants and he knows exactly what he has to do to get there. Or he’s just using you to get your way hotter, way cooler sister. Or your mom’s hot cougar tits. But once he gets what he wants it’s back to the same old jackassery. The point is people rarely change, especially assholes. So you might feel special for a while but when he’s done using you or you’re in an abusive relationship you’ll probably feel differently.

The funny thing is, situations like this are responsible for women saying, “all men are pigs, “men are assholes” or “why can’t I find a decent guy?” However, it was women who decided they wanted a challenge or a little thrill and ignored the guy that would have treated them decently the whole time. But no one ever said women were smart. Well, no one ever said it AND meant it.

I wish that was the only stupid reason I’ve heard for women ignoring decent guys but alas, it’s not. The previous statement tried to rationalize dating assholes but most often I hear reasons that try to rationalize not dating nice guys. They’re no less ridiculous, though.

Trust me I’ve heard all the classics from the I don’t want to fuck you but I still want to say it politely play book. Some good ones include, “he’s too nice,” “I don’t want to ruin our friendship,” “you’re great boyfriend material, but you’re just not for me” and the dreaded “you’re like a brother to me.” Socrates would shit his pants if he heard statements so illogical.

Too nice? What the fuck does that mean? I guess I could see that, if the guy was some kind of Ned Flanders churchy goody-good type (I’m looking at you Mormons) or if he was a spineless doormat, but I’ll get to that later. You know what, maybe there is something to that batshit-crazy logic. The other day I was walking downtown when I tripped and fell.  A complete stranger came up to me, offered his hand and said, “Are you alright?” Naturally, I thought he was being too nice. He clearly just wanted something from me. So I punched him in the dick, pushed him to the ground and while he was crying like a little girl, I told him I had filthy prostitute sex with his wife. That’s a perfectly reasonable assessment of the situation right? Oh, wait it’s not. It’s just insane, kind of like not dating a guy because he’s too nice.

The other reasons are just bullshit. “I don’t want to ruin our friendship.” That’s kind of a pessimistic view. How the fuck do you know it’s going to be ruined? It could go well and change your life. “You’re great boyfriend material, but you’re just not for me.” So you’re saying I have good qualities, qualities you yourself like but somehow you’re not interested in me. That makes sense, I guess? “You’re like a brother to me.” So pretty much, there’s no way I’m going to touch your lady-parts. In fact, in most states (depending on how far north you live) it’s actually illegal. Basically, these phrases are just a round about way of telling you something. Either:

1. She already has a guy with a wang of donkey-like proportions who satisfies her in ways sexually you could never know and she just wants to dump her emotional baggage on you.
2. Your dream girl is shallower than you thought.
3. You’re freakshow ugly.
4. She’s a bitch.
5. She’s a lesbian (hang in there, just keep telling yourself that).
6. And if god hates you, which is likely, all of the above (Yeah, I know 1 and 5 creates a paradox, but it’s a fucking joke).

Women Are Easily Confused

The problem with the term nice guy is that it’s pretty general. It covers a broad range of people. You might consider yourself a nice guy and it might be true. But you know who else considers himself a nice guy? The fat kid in the Battle Star Galactica shirt who spends all night downloading Japanese tentacle-rape porn considers himself a nice guy. That kid in your class with greasy hair and beady eyes who knows a suspicious amount of personal information about everyone in class considers himself a nice guy. The list goes on.

I think a lot women have the perception that “nice guys” are socially awkward, weird or stalkers and don’t get me wrong, some are. The problem is that guys like my friend, Mike, or me who are nice, at least mildly interesting and most importantly, NOT fucking weirdoes get lumped in with these dildos.

When a guy takes you to a family wedding on a first date and introduces you as “the one,” or if you find a guy on your lawn with a pair of binoculars and his pants unzipped, it’s safe to say at that point he’s more creepy weirdo than nice guy. So if that’s the case, call a spade a spade and refer to him as a weird bastard. Don’t feed into his self-deprecation and notion of being a hopeless romantic. Maybe if someone confronts these guys they’ll stop being so fucking awkward. If you’re saying, “But I didn’t know he was like that,” that’s bullshit. If you have any sense of perception you can tell if a guy is off after spending a little bit of time with him.

And just because a guy labels himself as a nice guy doesn’t mean it’s accurate and it doesn’t mean you have to label him a nice guy. Often I tell people my name is Baron Von Longdonger and that I’m the king of Luxembourg but that doesn’t make it true. A more accurate label would hack humor writer or porn fiend. You know, which ever.

Women, I know it’s tough for you but please use some common sense. If a guy is an over zealous stalker don’t refer to in any way as a nice guy. If a guy says that he is a nice guy, use some judgment and decide for yourself before throwing that term around. Please do this so I can describe myself as a nice guy with out people associating me with socially retarded loners, whiny little bitches or doofuses. However, if you do happen to come across a guy who is nice, respectful, funny and talented in some way, go ahead and call him a nice guy. And then have sex with him.

Doormats And Pussies

So far I’ve been pretty one-sided. Some people might call it being “sexist” but those people are probably women, so it doesn’t really matter. But believe it or not the blame doesn’t rest solely on women. Some men are also responsible.

There’s a certain type of nice guy that I’m sure you’re familiar with. He constantly laments the fact that he’s a nice guy. He spends hours on message boards pouring his heart out about how it “didn’t work out.” He creates self-fulfilling prophecies of defeat. He stays in on Friday nights and masturbates using his tears as lubricant. These nice guys are generally known as “fucking pussies,” which is ironic because that’s exactly what they’re not doing.

These guys use the nice guy persona as an excuse. They hide behind it and blame it for their relationship troubles instead of figuring out what went wrong. If one girl says, “no” they think it’s the end of the goddamn world. Well, it fucking isn’t. The odds are you’re going to get rejected at some point, but you can’t let that stop you from trying. But that’s exactly what these nancy boys do. They dwell on it and convince themselves that they won’t be successful with women. And guess what? They’re not. If these dorks put as much time into attracting women as they put into crying like little bitches they might end up with a girlfriend.

The “spineless doormat” is another variety of nice guy but don’t get confused, spineless doormats are still pussies. Although, they usually manage to land a chick before they fuck it up, unlike the fucking pussies. These guys are goddamn neurotic messes. They’re the type of guys that constantly say things like: “Are you mad at me?,” “What’s the matter?,” “Did I do something wrong?,” or “I don’t care, I’ll do whatever you want to.” These assholes never take charge. They couldn’t make a decision if their dicks (which are probably more important than their lives) depended on it.

These jellyfish are so worried about pleasing other people that they don’t have time to relax and be themselves or think about what they want. They’re so worried about ruining the relationship that they don’t realize that’s exactly what they’re doing. Apparently, they don’t seem to grasp the fact that constantly asking “what’s wrong?” or is “everything okay?” is annoying to women.

Some women take advantage of this to get gifts or have a personal errand boy, but a lot of women get fed up with dating a nervous little girl and dump the spineless dipshit. After getting dumped, the spineless doormat completes the circle of not-getting-puss and turns into the fucking pussy. In which case, he’ll probably never talk to another women again. It’s a sad, sad cycle.

Listen guys, confidence is the name of the game. Women like guys who are confident. They don’t like neurotic wussbags who can’t even pick where to go for dinner. It might cute for a little while like when you ask her out or on the first date but after that it’s just pathetic. Women want a guy who knows what he wants. They want a guy who can take charge. If they wanted to date someone who’s submissive and can’t make decisions they’d date a woman.

One of the reasons that some women like assholes is because they’re usually outgoing and confident (even if it’s usually unwarranted). The two don’t necessarily go together, though. If you’re on the shy side you can still be confident, just work with what you have. If you’re not so confident, fake it. Women fake it all the time, although “it” in their case is an orgasm. If you’re knowledgeable about a certain subject steer the conversation that way so you’re more comfortable. If you have some anecdotes that always make your friends laugh, try to work one into the conversation. If you make her laugh you’re in like Flynn.

But you can’t be afraid to be rejected. I know it sucks but get over it you mama’s boy. Did you ever wonder why douche bag bros get so many girls? It’s because they don’t care if they get denied. They just move on. It’s as simple as that. Sometimes you just have to take a chance.

How many times have you been at a party, bar or show and seen a cute girl you wanted to say something to but didn’t because you were scared or intimidated? Well guess what? There were probably 10 other guys thinking the same fucking thing. So while you were all fingering your vaginas, one of two things happened. One, no one went up and talked to her and she left alone because you were all pussies. Two, some cocky A-hole decided to take a shot and talk to her, and she left with him because she didn’t have any other options. You could have left with her if you just acted like you had a pair of marbles.

Manclusion

Women are crazy and I can’t change that. It would be easier for me to change the weather than to get women to think rationally. But hopefully this silly little essay will make some women reevaluate their decisions. Hopefully some women will finally see that a great guy has been right in front of their eyes the whole time. Hopefully some women will realize that dating an asshole isn’t worth it. I’m not getting my hopes up, though. Also, in the interest of making me sound less gay on account of the previous four sentences, I would also like to say: nice guys quit being such fucking pussies.