Last weekend there was a Harry Potter marathon on TV and I watched it. As I watched the first four Harry Potter movies in succession something started to bother me. It wasn’t the fact that I just wasted a day watching four movies that are meant for kids and teens or quidditch, which is fucking ridiculous even in a magical context. What bothers me about the movies and the books is the lack of sex/sex education.
I accept that in the Harry Potter universe classes such as potions, charms, defense against the dark arts, etc… are far more useful than physics and micro economic and are needed for a careers in the magic world. But it doesn’t change the fact that Hogwarts is full of horny pubescent witches and wizards. So where’s the goddamn magical sex ed class?
Surely STDs and teen pregnancy aren’t restricted to the muggle world. Or are they? JK leaves so many questions unanswered. Is there a spell to get rid of herpes or a potion to get rid of the clap? Or do witches and wizards have to put on a hat and sunglasses and go down the free clinic to get penicillin like the rest of us? Are there magical condoms made out hippogriff intestines? Wizards seem to be fucking awkward and weird to begin with, so a trip to Diagon Alley to buy magical condoms must be a hundred times more awkward than it is in real life. It’s like that time you stopped by the convenience store to get condoms and you ran into your calculus teacher buying six bottles of Mad Dog 20/20 and the local priest buying candy to “reward” the altar boys, only worse. If that’s possible. But that’s neither here nor there.
Sure, sex ed is usually taught by a doofus who has probably never seen a vagina in his sad life and most of the kids already know the basics of sex, but it can be useful for the naïve or sheltered kids. I would go so far as to say, a sex ed class is particularly important in the magic world. Not only would the staff have to deal with sex and the questions that come with it, but it would also have to deal with guys trying to use engorgement charms on their junks. I don’t think I have to elaborate on what could go wrong there, but the term dick melting comes to mind. And that’s only one of the possible catastrophes that could happen involving the crotchal region and magic. I mean you don’t want adolescent wizard flailing their wands around with out knowing how to use them right? But if you’ve read or watched the Harry Potter series you know there’s no need for concern. Why? Because based on the books and films wizards and witches only seem to kiss or “snog.”
Sexuality in the Harry Potter universe seems to consist of little more than some canoodling here or there, and it’s usually out of scene or briefly mentioned. I’m not asking for gratuitous nudity but come on. JK has no problems depicting brutal murders but god forbid Harry touch Ginny’s blouse bunnies. Even the literary abortion that is Twilight had some banging in it. Not only that, JK basically blue balls Ron for the entire series, except for a short time when he was dating some slut named Lavender. He and Hermione kiss for the first time at the ass end of the seventh book. Are you fucking kidding me? Ron probably beat his wand raw by that point. But the wizarding community continues to proliferate so it would seem as if people are having sex. That and the Weasley family has like seven goddamn kids. Maybe I’m way off and there’s some complicated spell for pregnancy and the Weasleys aren’t banging like a screen door in a hurricane.
Seriously, we can't get more of this
Look, I can see that JK is trying to keep it somewhat tame for her younger audience, but sex can be implied with out being graphic. How about Harry walks out of Ginny’s room in the morning wearing her pink robe while Ron’s face becomes beet red and he tries not to kick Harry in his morning wood? No? Okay I’ve got this. How about Harry and Ron walk into the dorm and Neville shouts “HEY! I’m busy get out of here,” while he pulls up a blanket to cover himself and knocks a box of tissues off the bed? Okay how about…. What? Just Stop? It’s never going to happen? Well fuck you guys and your sexless Harry Potter series. I guess I’ll just keep it in my head. It’s better there anyway.
A recent survey shows that 9 out of 10 witches and wizards below the age of 20 have no idea what a hand job is.
