Disclaimer: Very few dick jokes. In fact, very few jokes at all. Also, this article might be offensive to Christians and by might be, I mean will be.
Happy Holidays!
That’s right I said “happy holidays,” not merry Christmas or happy Hanukah or whatever the fuck people say during Kwanzaa. For what ever reason people seem to have problem with chain stores having “happy holidays” banners and schools changing “Christmas break” to winter break. It’s utterly ridiculous.
“Chesterfield you’re just a godless, secular, bleeding heart, sodomite, liberal. That’s why you hate Christmas.” Let me say three things in regard to this statement and variations of it, which are inevitably the first and most dull-witted reaction to come out of idiots’ mouths when this subject comes up. One, I believe in god. Two, once upon a time, I went to church/Sunday school every week. I don’t go anymore because I feel that I can live a good life without antiquated rituals and pomp. Three, I might be a liberal but at least I’m not a close-minded ignoramus.
A few years ago this controversy received national attention when talking ass-hats like Bill O’Reilly and religious nut jobs started saying there was a “war on Christmas.” Around the same time, my high school sociology teacher said he felt like his rights were being taken away. What a bunch of horseshit. I’m sorry, but I’m not going to let a white, heterosexual, middle aged, middle class, Christian, male tell me that his rights are being taken away. In fact, if there were one demographic that should never be able to say that, that demographic would be it. I mean, some high school nerdlinger with acne saying, “happy holidays” instead of “merry Christmas,” on the way out of Best Buy doesn’t qualify as a violation of rights in my book. It’s not like these chains are fooling anyone. Everyone knows this time of year is all about Christmas. There are Christmas songs all over the radio, Christmas movies and Christmas specials are played non-stop on TV and Christmas trees, nativity scenes and Santa Claus are fucking everywhere. So is it really a big deal that a couple of national chains want to try to be all-inclusive and say happy holidays? I don’t think so.
Earlier this month a co-worker, who is also a friend, got upset about this issue. She was upset that there weren’t more religious songs and carols being played in the store. She went on to say that people should suck it up and that people came to this country in the first place to practice Christianity. Well that’s true but they were escaping persecution from other Christians, to be fair. I’m more concerned with this line of reasoning, though. Sure, our country was started and populated with Christians but that was over 200 years ago. Our agricultural system was originally based on slave labor. Does that make it okay now because it was okay 200 years ago? Of course not. The point is countries evolve just like anything else. The cultural dynamic of the country is changing and people are just trying to reflect it. It has nothing to do with taking rights away from Christians.
The problem is Christians think the world revolves around them and their god. If you don’t follow their rules (celebrating Christmas) then you’re living your life wrong. Coincidently, that’s another reason I stopped going to church. Many of the people I went to church with were so intolerant I couldn’t take it. As much as Christians don’t want to admit it, there are other religions and they do celebrate winter holidays too. It’s flat out condescending and offensive to just brush other holidays aside because less people celebrate them. It might have been okay to ignore other religions in the 1950s because there was only one America, white Christian America. However, America is a diverse place and has moved forward socially since then. It’s only fair that other religions are, or at least attempted to be, recognized. In way, assuming that everyone celebrates Christmas and constantly cramming Christmas down people’s throats, negates some of that progress.
People act like there’s some Holiday Gestapo that’ll kill them if they say “merry Christmas.” No one’s saying you can’t say that or celebrate Christmas. If you feel that strongly and someone says “happy holidays,” just say “merry Christmas” and shut your goddamn mouth, and quit pretending you’re so oppressed. You don’t know what real oppression is. On that note, happy holidays motherfuckers!
Fun fact: Christmas is celebrated on December 25 because it coincides with Dies Natalis Solis Invicti (Birthday of the Unconquered Sun) which was a collective celebration of Roman, Syrian and Persian sun gods. The Christians paralleled Jesus’ birth with this “Unconquered Sun” motif and thus, we have Christmas. Also, many Christmas traditions, like gift-giving, festive lights, and greenery come from the Roman New Year’s celebration and Saturnalia (the celebration of the dedication of a temple to their god Saturn) while things like Yule logs came about from Germanic pagans.
Stealing the concept of a monotheistic god from Zoroastrians, using the Jewish god as their own and stealing the holiday traditions from pagans. Jesus must be spinning in his grave.