Kid Rock Sucks

So last fall I was writing music reviews for Mizzou’s student newspaper, The Maneater. No I didn’t make that name up and yes I’m aware it sounds like a gay gentleman’s publication.

As luck would have it, I had the displeasure of reviewing Kid Rock’s “Rock N Roll Jesus,” which is by far one of the most unoriginal and cliched albums I’ve ever listened to.

Admittedly, my review was pretty harsh and probably wouldn’t have run in a respectable newspaper, but this was a student newspaper. I doubt many publications would let you get away with calling anyone a hackneyed self-important dick, whether it’s true or not.

Any way, a few days later I get an e-mail from my editor saying that my review pissed off someone. I can’t say I was surprised, though. Apparently this Kid Rock fan took the time to write an angry e-mail and sent it to the Editor in Chief of The Maneater, who then sent it to the Arts & Entertainment Editor, who in turn sent it to me.

I found out that this guy, Rob, is in some way connected to Kid Rock. He works for either Kid Rock’s management or PR firm, but I don’t recall which. That’s not important. What is important is this ignoramus’ rant and rave.

I’m not exactly sure how Rob came across my review, but my guess is his boner for Kid Rock caused him to scroll through every review on Google. It’s mind boggling that this ass clown would take the time to do this and then write hate mail to some student reporter in Missouri. I couldn’t help but wonder if any other small-time journalists got a similarly incomprehensible diatribe from this jerk off. I hope so, otherwise I was the only one at the time who gave that album a review it deserved.

So, with out further adieu, here is the e-mail (which incidentally looks like it was written by either a child with mild retardation or a moderately intelligent ape) Rob sent to The Maneater:

———–

Who does this [redacted] think he is??? Kid Rock’s album is unoriginal and not
worth buying. Please tell me then who is original nowadays and who’s album
is better today? I can’t name one. Kid Rock is influenced by Southern Rock
and by Bob Seger, who is a Detroit native. The album surly shows his
influences and is perfect. Would you say that about the Rolling Stones back
in the sixties when they covered songs by Chuck Berry or Muddy Waters?
Maybe this [redacted] should go take a listen to Kid Rock’s albums before he made
it big with Devil Without a Cause, in his earlier stuff he did the same
thing that he did on this album, he talked about Hank Williams, Jr., John
Paul Jones and used an Ozzy Osbourne riff..exactly what he did on this album
but with other influences. This [redacted] obviously does not know what or who he
is talking about. He is probably one of them that only likes albums that
are made popular by teenagers such as Britney Spears, Madonna, NSYNC, etc.
I feel sorry for [redacted] that he can’t respect someone that makes*
genuine***music of all genres. Kid Rock was 27 when Devil Without A
Cause broke, he
is around 36 now and I am sure he wants to make and perform music until he
is 60 years old and he doesn’t want to be jumping around the stage at 60,
sreaming.he is maturing and I am sorry that this [redacted] cannot see that
and does not respect that. I have wasted enough time on [redacted], he is
nothing.and nothing compared to Kid Rock and [redacted] never will be!

—————-

Now I’d like to say a few things about Rob’s E-mail.

It seems that Rob is opposed to commas, periods and paragraphs for some reason, which made this a headache to read but let’s see if I can give Rob a taste of his own medicine.

Who am I? A fucking critic, I got paid to review that album.

Seriously? You can’t think of anyone more original than Kid Rock; not one? You can’t think of one artist that didn’t rip of chord progressions, riffs, song titles, vocal inflections or lyrical subject matter? I feel sorry for you if that’s the truth. Who’s album is better and worth buying? Well at the time I believe Radiohead, Kanye West and Bruce Springsteen all came out with new albums.

What would I say about the Stones covering Chuck Berry and Muddy Waters? I would say that’s fine because they were COVERING Chuck Berry and Muddy Waters songs and not taking riffs and chord progressions straight from their songs and calling it an original song.

As for this brilliant run on sentence:
“Maybe this Burk should go take a listen to Kid Rock’s albums before he made
it big with Devil Without a Cause, in his earlier stuff he did the same
thing that he did on this album, he talked about Hank Williams, Jr., John
Paul Jones and used an Ozzy Osbourne riff..exactly what he did on this album
but with other influences”

Thank you for making my point, asshole. Kid Rock’s early and late albums relied on ripping off other artists. Devil Without a Cause was a success because it was more original and didn’t rely so much on other artists’ work. Do you think it was coincidence that it was his best album? Seriously, was that not clear in my review?

This sentence is poorly worded but what I think he’s getting at is I have shitty taste in music (which is not true at all) “He is probably one of them that only likes albums that are made popular by teenagers such as Britney Spears, Madonna, NSYNC, etc.”
“He is probably on of them…” great wording, not. And Madonna? What the fuck are you talking about Rob? No Rob, in fact I don’t like any of those artists. Actually, my top five artists are as follows: The Clash, Jawbreaker, Led Zeppelin, The Smiths and Jimi Hendrix.

Maturing? Did you listen to “Half Your Age?” Yeah that song was real mature. And who says he can’t still be screaming on stage at age 60? Apparently you do but I wasn’t aware that you were now speaking on his behalf. Although, I was aware that you were his personal scrotum shiner.

I’m just going to assume you’re have some sort of learning disability that prohibits comprehension (possibly caused by listening to too much of Kid Rock) because you didn’t make one clear point. In fact, you helped make some of my arguments, so thanks. I guess. Oh and please don’t mention my name in the same line as Kid Rocks’ in any context. That’s insulting. So in conclusion, suck it Rob. Kid Rock sucks and so do you.