A Response to “50 Things Girls Wish Guys Knew”

This post is a response to “50 Things Girls Wish Guys Knew” and similar groups on Facebook. I hate these groups. They over generalize, stereotype and are just generally ignorant.

For some reason people love lists like this and often say things such as “OMG, these are so true! Every guy should read this!” If I had it my way no one would read shit like this but since people insist on it, I’ve written, in most cases, an equally ignorant response to each entry on the list.

1. When we’re watching our favorite show, don’t try to distract us, make fun of the show, or make fun of how much we like the show. We probably know its lame, but we still watch. You have sports; we have our shows.

-No, most of your favorite shows suck. Grey’s Anatomy, Desperate Housewives and America’s Next Top Model all suck. Someone has to say it.

2. We like when you cook for us, it doesn’t have to be anything fancy, just food we aren’t picky it’s the thought that counts. If you absolutely can’t cook at all, get take out and set it up somewhat nicely.

-So hot dogs and potato chips?

3. Go to the gym…those pelvic muscles are insanely hot! The beer belly is not!

-Take your own advice.

4. Don’t compare us to your ex-girlfriends; we aren’t them.

-If you don’t want to hear about them, why do you reserve the right to hate them? (See #30). They shouldn’t matter right?

5. Open doors for us, we like our men to be gentlemen, bring chivalry back!

- I actually agree with this one. Women say chivalry is dead but just for the record, women killed it.

6. Just because we don’t say thank you every time you do something, doesn’t mean we don’t appreciate every little thing you do. The little things usually mean more than anything else.

-We appreciate the little things too. Saying thank you could be put in that category. How hard is it to say two words?

7. Flowers don’t always make up for mistakes, but we love to get them when we least expect it.

-Sex always makes up for mistakes, but we love to get it when we least expect it.

8. We love to take pictures and when we want to take several it’s because we want cute ones of you or us to show off to other people.

-Quit being so vain.

9. When we want a girls’ night out, don’t be mad or think we are going out to look for other guys. We need our girls’ night as much as you guys need your guys’ night.

-Exactly, so don’t get pissed when we want to drink beer and play video games with the guys.

10. You can shoot hoops, score a goal, knock down big fat guys, and hit a little baseball with a stick, so why can’t you aim in the toilet and not on it.

-Quit being so smug. You’re pissing from point blank range, we are not. We’re bound to miss once in a while.

11. Saying something sweet might get you off the hook; doing something sweet will always get you off the hook.

-Usually we’re “on the hook” for no reason, other than you’re in a bad mood.

12. We don’t shave our legs everyday, get over it.

-It’s not the legs we’re worried about.

13. When you kiss us we don’t like to feel like we are making out with a dog so don’t slobber on our face.

-When you give head we don’t like to feel like we’re sticking our dong in the silverware drawer. Lay off the teeth.

14. Don’t ever lie to us; we will always find out.

-We really don’t lie that much. For some reason (jealousy, paranoia, insecurity to name a few) women like to accuse us of lies and schemes that we could never pull of. Stop looking for an excuse to yell at us.

15. Don’t tell us who is hot because we don’t care.

-Ditto.

16. We shouldn’t have to plan everything, we like surprises, a little spontaneity goes a long way!

-Then don’t yell at us when we try to slip it in the back door. We thought you liked surprises.

17. We’re not always girly girls; we can like boy stuff too.

-Like kissing girls?

18. DO NOT act different or be a jerk around your friends. It will get you in the end… (We remember these types of things)

-Who’s acting? That’s what we’re really like, we’re acting around you.

19. Don’t always expect us to call you. The phone works both ways!

-Uhh… usually you’re the ones freaking out about not getting a call every single day.

20. No matter if we’re fat or not, most girls aren’t as self-confident as guys! And we need to be complimented as often as possible!

-Jesus Christ, develop some self-esteem.

21. Being drunk is not an excuse for ANY of your actions.

-PMS is not an excuse for ANY of you actions.

22. Do not brag to your friends…unless you want us to discuss with the girls how small your penis is.

-Do not try to embarrass us in front of our friends…unless you want us to discuss with the guys how hairy your vagina is, how bad you vagina smells, how much you fart, etc…

23. Walks in the rain, kisses on the forehead, and cooking dinner for us will get you everywhere.

-Including getting called a pussy by our friends.

24. If you’re developing such good finger skills playing video games, you better put them to good use sometimes.

-If you’re developing such good oral skills gossiping, you better put them to good use sometimes.

25. Anything you do or say to another girl that you wouldn’t want us to know about is considered cheating.

-Jealous much?

26. If you refuse to dance, expect us to dance with other guys…and lots of them.

-If you refuse to give us a lap dance, expect us to get lap dances from strippers…and lots of them.

27. We don’t always expect you to pay for us, but it doesn’t hurt to at least offer every once in a while

-Yeah, like you pay for anything for the first three months.

28. Foreplay isn’t something we should have to ask for…it’s a prerequisite

-BJs aren’t something we should have to ask for… they’re a prerequisite.

29. No girl just wants to be your “friend with benefits.”

-Are you including skanks? If so, then I beg to differ.

30. We reserve the right to hate all of your ex-girlfriends

-Are you that insecure?

31. Think before you speak…it’ll make a world of difference

-Think before you accuse us of something we probably didn’t do.

32. Don’t screw us over…especially if we have an older brother or protective guy friends…they will hunt you down and kill you

-Your brother and friends are nancy-boys. Bring it.

33. Just because we’re still just “hanging out” doesn’t make it ok to sleep with your ex-girlfriend

-Yes it does.

34. We aren’t asking for you to spill your heart, but some information about what’s going on in that head of yours, is nice every once in a while.

-If you ask us “What are you thinking about?” and we say, “Nothing” we mean it.

35. Don’t complain on how long it takes us to get ready and then moan about how we always used to get dolled up for you and now we don’t anymore.

-Really you don’t have to get “dolled up.” Moderation is key, too much makeup makes you look like a prostitute or a clown or a prostitute that caters to clowns (last joke provided by Scrubs).

36. No backseat drivers, none!

-The only time you should be driving is if we’re hammered, in which case we’ll be too out of it to backseat drive anyway.

37. If you hold our hand while you are driving we will be thoroughly impressed…especially if it’s a stick.

-Until we’re in the hospital because of your lovey-dovey crap.

38. The ability to play the guitar will help your COGL.

-How about bass?

39. Return favors: we massage, you massage; we go down, you go down; we shave, you shave (and not just your face).

-Agreed.

40. Boxers and maybe boxer briefs sometimes . . . NEVER whitey-tighties, NEVER!

-No shit.

41. Sensitive guys are great . . . but crying more than we do in a movie just isn’t right.

-If you know a guy crying more than you he’s gay.

42. Silent treatment, shoulder shrugs, tears, yelling and nasty looks all add up to . . . YOU DID SOMETHING WRONG

-Wouldn’t it just be easier to tell us we did something wrong?

43. Your way is not always the right way. Learn to say- “I was wrong”

-You first.

44. If we can’t talk to you during a football game, then don’t try to get our attention during Grey’s Anatomy

-There should only be two types of guys around during Grey’s Anatomy: guys trying to impress a girl he wants to date or gay guys.

45. We have other friends of the male gender. Just because we have guy friends doesn’t mean we are sleeping with them or think they are attractive,sometimes it’s nice to have a guys perspective on things! So leave your jealousy at the door!

-Yeah, cause we’re the jealous ones. I don’t ever remember one of my guy friends going on facebook and going through every single one of his girlfriend’s pictures to see who she was hanging out with.

46. Remember actions speak louder than words.

-Maybe in the perfect world but if you want to get a point across just tell us.

47. Unless you’re Dale Earnhardt Jr., we’re just as capable to drive as you are.

-I’ve never seen one of my guy friends almost t-bone a car because he was checking his makeup in the mirror or swerve across the center line because he was trying to put an earring in.

48. We don’t mind being DD (designated driver) as long as you’re not the DD (designated drunk) every night of the week, and you occasionally return the favor.

-Why are you still dating a guy who drinks every night of the week?

49. Patience is a virtue; we know what we’re doing.

-While you’re being patient, we’re getting shit done.

50. Despite the fact that most of you will get mad and completely ignore what we’re trying to tell you on this list, we’ll still love you anyways. Probably not as much, but we gotta keep the species going right?

-Yeah so less list making and more sex.

51. Don’t act hard around your friends because I won’t make you hard tonight.

-Like you’re the only one who can. Don’t flatter yourself. May I remind you of internet porn.

52. “Wife Beaters” are not an adequate form of fashion.

-Neither are Uggs, Huge D&G sunglasses or over-sized bags.

53. If we wanted to be on video tape, we’d be a porn star not your girlfriend.

-Can’t you be a little of both?

54. It takes a special kind of stupid to forget birthdays

-Then remind us.

55. Don’t say you love me if you don’t mean it.

-Well I don’t have a smart ass answer for this one. Women-1, Me-63.

56. If you don’t act like soap-opera guys, don’t expect us to dress like Victoria Secret models.

-You want us to act gay? But seriously does anyone still watch soap operas?

57. Just because you L the C doesn’t mean we have to S the D.

-What happened to #39? Typical of women, say one thing and then totally contradict it.

58. We never have to wonder if your orgasm was real.

-We really don’t care if your orgasm was real.

59. Would you like it if a guy treated your sister that way? We didn’t think so.

-”That way?” What way? He bought her a bunch of shit and took her out to dinner?

60. When you see a girl with huge knockers, do not go “Damn!” and then laugh appreciatively to yourself – we can hear you.

-When you see a guy with a six pack, do not go “Damn!” and then giggle to yourself- we can hear you.

61. When the girls get together, we talk about EVERYTHING. Meaning my best friends know everything about you.

-Yeah so do we. So if you’ve got a jungle in your underpants or if it’s like throwing a hot dog down a hall way all of our friends know.

62. Guys in uniform are hot, no lie, sometimes almost better than when you take them off.

-How about a marching band uniform?

63. When we are through, don’t pretend like its okay to call whenever you want and make everything seem fine, especially if you caused the relationship to end. And, don’t tell us about your other girlfriends or girls you met because if your trying to make us jealous, ur a lowlife.

-Yeah, because girls never try to make ex-boyfriends jealous. Get of your fucking high horse.

64. If we say no once, it means no!

-If you have this problem then you’re dating a rapist, or a frat guy.